Ever wonder why some people have a talent for art while you do not? It might come as a surprise, but artists are second class citizens, born to create pretty things for you. Read on if you want free work from us low caste persons.
Don't you love it when you see someones art work and immediately tell them what you want from them? Then maybe add "I'll even pay you for it." Well if you are going to amass fame and a large collection of truly wonderful pieces of art for free you have to know a few insider tips. The proper way to approach an artist is as follows.
1) Dress to impress, you can't go around looking to make artists beg to make things for you without the following;
Sports cap (worn at an angle), a jersey, baggy jeans (at least 6 sizes too large), underwear showing, and some decent bling bling.
2) Look around, be absolutely sure the talented one is engaged in some personal action. You know like sleeping, working, talking or even ...minding his own business. This is imperative to establish before you barge in with your demand, otherwise they will feel you are not important enough to do work for.
3) Next, check the talented one for signs of agitation. Artists frequently ingest psychedelics to enhance creativity before performing secret rituals that involve copious amounts of plastic tubing and spackle. Bug them at the wrong time and you may be breathing through your lower abdominal area. You can tell that they are in a good mood if they are bleeding, have tears welling from the eyes or they are shouting at a loved one, preferably all three.
4)Then, if you are sure it is safe, try approaching them. Never use a name, otherwise they may think you are trying to pretend you feel the work they do has value to you. In some circles this may be referred to as "respect". Not a very good first impression.
To properly introduce yourself to an artist you must be in a loud cell phone conversation with your "baby momma" (if you don't have one just pretend) and remain on the phone during the entire interaction. Now, first start with a question, (formally in the US this usually starts with gems such as; "You smoke?", "Got a cigarette?", or "Could you spare some change?") I prefer the honest and simple "Gimmie!" Regardless of what the artists response is, this is now the time to make demands. Such as "Your like, a goth right?" "Could you do a goth thing with like skulls and dollar signs?" "Inside a hourglass?" With some names on it, like my kids, and um my old ladies name." (Do not bother spelling the names out, it is the artists duty to research these things for you)
4)Now wait patiently for them to smile and start working on your suggestion. If they are not immediately drawing something, feel free to touch their shoulder, high five them and touch knuckles, go through the motions even as the artist cringes at the thought of skin to skin contact with you. Make inane comments that are completely out of the artists culture such as "Wus up?" if possible. Then make sure to mention that it is for a tattoo, which is such a rare event, it will truly impress them. If they look dismayed and are trying to look past you to speak with someone they are more comfortable with, firmly position yourself in their field of vision, this will get them to start drawing.
Tune in again for proper artist etiquette as observed in CA, USA. Or a possible shooting in my immediate vicinity.
On a happy note if the artist is with his girlfriend,
and looks like this;
He is very angry and you should run,
run for your life.
*I can't help but get angry, drawing things is work, talent is an irrelevant issue. I would feel like an ass if I demanded a very crappy crayon drawing from a retarded blind monkey, because regardless of the outcome, even a child has to put pen to paper and take time and effort to produce a picture. This is an oft overlooked aspect of the treatment of artists by the public. Much less without offering a treat in hindsight. These type of people best not approach me. I tend to flinch at the whole hand slappy thing and suggest them washing their hands afterwards, because they have no fucking clue to where mine have been. (truth, see dead cat easter article) Plus I assume if you are not in a formal meeting with me, a touch means you want sex from me. (guy or girl I really do not trust anyones palms, thus the flinching) As a rule I do not have sex with anyone but the girl you see in the picture above. (the one with the black hair, not the green haired bitch with the stubble, although they both look good in a dress.....whoa...going to far here...um g'nite)